Lesson 23: How NOT to order clothes online.

Dear Readers,

Happy New Year! Did you all bring in the new year in style?


I personally spent the new year in bed and was only aware it was the new year when a sudden rush of fireworks started going off. I would however like to mention that I was not in bed because of reasons relating to alcohol but rather reasons relating to just generally getting old and being tired….

Anyway enough about that – lets move on to, what I feel, is a very important lesson.

Lesson 23: How NOT to order clothes online.

I have always hated clothes shopping. Waiting in line to try on clothes in a tiny dressing room lit with a very unflattering light. Getting hot and sweaty with all the pulling, tugging and unwrapping. Having a clothes tag stuck in your hair and almost causing your arm to dislocate while you try to retrieve it…

When I am town then you are most likely going to find me in either a bookshop or an asian supermarket – however society dictates that one should not walk about nekkid and thus clothes must be bought.

See – if you walk around naked you will be turned into stone and placed in a huge mousetrap…

However there is something that really does make my life a lot easier and that is online shopping. I was always skeptical about buying clothes through the net. Paying for something that you aren’t sure is going to fit (and with my body type – 90% of stuff doesn’t…) and then having to deal with returns.

Luckily there is a company in Switzerland which allows you to order on invoice and only pay for what you keep. Returning is also easy, as the label is provided aswell as the sticky bit that keeps the parcel closed. I really do have to applaud such service and naturally I exploit the heck out of it.

However…there are certain rules that you should follow if you wish to remain sane – and I unfortunately broke all of these rules last week.

Rule # 1: Don’t order clothes after having had a few drinks…

As we all know there are quite a few activites one should not partake in while drinking and ordering clothes online is no exception.

Thinking that little black top with a see through stripe going through the stomach may looks good on the size 8 model – it may not look the same on you. It certainly did not look the same on me…

I have just come back from trying on clothes that would not look out of place in a BDSM Dominatrix shoot – not exactly suitable for work…or anywhere really.

Amish dominatrix wasn’t available under “Free Photos”

I also had a very intersting skirt that was more suited to an Amish woman coming back from church…what was I thinking?

Rule # 2: Don’t order clothes straight after christmas…

I have decided to need to count the calories before having to count the rolls of fat I could see under my top…hello Michelin Girl…


Rule # 3: If single, and currently quite sad about single status, don’t order clothes which are difficult to close on your own.

Sure – the image of the woman holding up her hand while her partner seductively zips up (or down) the dress is quite nice but as a single woman this image is replaced by another, namely of a girl (hair tied up at the top of her hair in a messy knot) bending her arm at an unnatural angle trying to zip up a dress, praying that the dress does not rip. Image is complete when beads of sweat are apparent on said girl’s forehead and some tousels of hair have escaped the knot…

I search “romantic” and I get this. Please excuse me while my 29 year old single self goes and cries on her bed…

So out of 10 items I am keeping 1 and the memories shall haunt me for a few months to come.

Anyhoo – thanks for reading and hopefully follwing my wonderful advice.

Laura xoxoxoxo




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