ooh this title seems pretty “self-helpy” doesn’t it – however have no fear – this post isn’t going to be some esoterical positivity kick (if that is even a thing) but it is yet another case of me having too many thoughts in my head and me needing to release them somewhere.
I am currently sitting on a train heading towards Samnaum – basically one of the furthest corners of Switzerland. I have booked myself into a little wellness hotel and I am going to “chill the f*ck out”.
These last couple of months have been mentally exhausting for me and I have to admit that I have been quite “lost”.
It is very difficult to describe the feeling of being “lost” but I have felt that a part of me had completely disappeared and I was living in my own shadow. (Wow I am throwing in all the clichés today…)
I had lost my sparkle. I had lost my essense, my sense of “me-ness”.
2020 has been a bitch of a year.
I remember starting the year so positively. I had planned some lovely trips with my then boyfriend and I had a solid plan for work. I was motivated and inspired! I was happy.
And then came Corona.
My job is “Category Manager PPE” and one of my main jobs is to procure PPE for our customers. In February my PPE world crumbled. My orders were blocked, my customers pissed and my suppliers were giving me constant “unknowns”. I was inundated by requests for masks, glasses and desinfection. I was constantly on the phone, begging my suppliers for answers – solutions. I was being begged for answers and solutions. I was working from morning until evening – corona, corona, corona! On the news was corona and at my work we were dealing with “project – Corona!”
I was fighting a battle which had no end. I am still fighting this battle.
My boyfriend broke up with me and I decided to start a new life in Basel. A new city and new perspectives – but the pain of the past was still clinging to me.
I have to admit that I really tried to just block out all emotion. I hate crying so I tried not to. I tried to forget. I deleted and archived memories. I stopped all contact.
Luckily I have some amazing friends who have helped me get through it. Distracting me from the pain that was still manifesting in my heart.
I met someone else and this covered the pain. I actually felt happy again. Unfortunately the negativity was stronger and I ended it.
And so I have decided to just rip off the mask (figuratively not literally – I am of course wearing a mask on the train..) and deal with the pain head on and finally make my way to recovery – and to become “me” again. I am looking forward to meeting “me”. It has been a while since I’ve known her and I hope she has changed for the better.
I suppose it’s quite poignant that I am writing this while travelling through a tunnel. Dare I throw in another cliché of seeing a light at the end of it?
Anyway – thanks for reading!