Lesson 38: I’m scared but I think I am going to be ok…

Dear readers,

I have a confession to make.

I just ate quinoa.

For many people, this isn’t really much of a shocking statement but for those who know me, they may be a bit surprised.

Why?

Well I haven’t really eaten carbs since March.

My boyfriend broke up with me in March and I made the decision to move to Basel. During this time, I decided that I needed to get back control of myself and of my weight (I had naturally gained a little bit of “Beziehungsspeck” = The weight you gain while being in a relationship). So in March I decided to go back on the Keto diet.

The last time I did Keto I lost approx. 12 KG and I felt fantastic….until I didn’t.

This time I lost the Beziehungsspeck (about 5 KG) and I felt fantastic….until I didn’t.

A couple of months ago I had some terrible pain in my upper stomach. I couldn’t sleep and I needed to take some strong paracetamol. It felt as if my insides were being torn to pieces.

I also then had some pain in my lower back.

I started losing a lot of hair.

I couldn’t take a deep breath anymore.

I almost fainted at the gym.

My body looked fantastic on the outside, but my mind and inside were a complete mess.

Why was I doing this?

To be in control I suppose (I have fantastic discipline!) but also to maintain the power that a “good body” can give you. Honestly – I felt my personality was too boring to be considered attractive and so I decided to focus on my appearance.

I am so scared of gaining weight. I actually spend about 5 minutes in the morning analysing my body in the mirror. Grabbing the fat. Testing to see if I can still feel my bones. (I am starting to cry a little while I write this).

Recently I spent some time with a good friend of mine. We were attracted to each other but not once did he say “You are so sexy”. Actually, he never really focused on my appearance at all. We had an amazing time together and I felt comfortable enough to actually relax. This guy actually liked me for…well…me. We chatted, we laughed and we just enjoyed each other’s company.

This made me realise that I’m sick of projecting a false image of myself to the world. The danger also being: if a guy starts to fall for this Laura, he’s not really going to appreciate it if the real one comes out (a few KG heavier).

I miss sushi. I miss sweets. I miss ricotta stuffed tortellini fried together with bacon (and topped with mozarella cheese and home made pesto). I miss being able to just relax.

I know I need to make changes and I will. Quinoa was only the beginning. Yet I am dreading the day when someone comes up to me and says “Oh you’ve gained weight”, or that my jeans start to feel tight when I put them on – but I can’t live an unhealthy lifestyle forever. I need to listen to my body.

I have also decided to reduce my social media usage. Again – why do I need to project myself to the world? I agree that the dopamine rush from receiving a “like” is pretty addictive – but I don’t want to live off other people’s praise anymore.

So on that note I am going to go and have a relaxing shower and then head to bed.

Thanks for reading,

Laura xoxoxoxo

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